«

»

Apr 12

A Memo to the Honourable Members of Coup Plotters Movement

sanogoDear comrades,

I write you this letter with great sorrow and indignation.

As you all know, on the 21st of  March 2012, I led our revolutionary forces to topple the government of Amadou Toumani Toure (ATT). ATT himself was an Army General and an honourable member of our association until he sold us out and reneged on our oath never to give up power cheaply. After much planning and waiting, our opportunity to strike presented itself with the worsening uprising in Northern Mali by Taureg rebels.

Myself and my team swiftly acted using the wealth of knowledge I obtained from the intelligence training I received from the United States of America and followed the manual of successful coup plotting (which was vetted and updated by Gen ATT (ironically our victim in this case), Gen . IBB, and Gen S. Abacha (RIP)),.

  • We took over the presidential palace and forced the president into hiding. We unfortunately could not capture him to torture him and or subject him to a kangaroo trial to show the world his many failings.
  • We took over radio and television stations and started broadcasting revolutionary songs and images to whip up nationalistic fervour in the populace.
  • We suspended the constitution.
  • We affirmed our avowed reluctance to step into governance reiterating that our actions were borne out of patriotic zeal for the protection of the motherland.
  • We rolled out our tanks and forces fully clothed in combat gear to patrol the streets and get the civilians to cower in fear under the power of the almighty gun
  • We promised (as the updated Coup Plotters Manual in the 21st century (African Edition) dictates) to return the country to civilian rule as soon as humanly possible
  • We also borrowed a leaf from the politicians and rented some people to get a crowd to openly demonstrate their joy at our taking over power.
  • We then opened channels of discussions with foreign leaders and countries to engage them in accepting us if not fully or at least as a necessity that cannot be done away with (of cause after the usual charade of condemning our coup, imposing travel sanctions and encouraging a swift return to “democracy”).

Dear comrades, things did not go as we planned.

First, the Taureg rebels have thoroughly embarrassed my forces. As the Nigerian people will say, “dem fall my hand”. Within the first week of my most deserved elevation to power, they have effectively taken over the Northern Part of my country.

Secondly, whilst western nations did as we foresaw with threats and warnings that could not shake our stranglehold on power, our ECOWAS brethren have proven to be most stubborn. It appears they are hell bent in using my uprising as an example to members  of our movement in their own countries to dissuade them  carrying out our mandate to seize power whenever, wherever, by the power of the gun.

They froze all our accounts and closed all our borders. I couldn’t pay the bills promised to our revolutionary forces for services rendered. Food, fuel and power shortages got worse. People (even my rented ones) started to complain about the hardship they were facing. Worse still, the rebels now have me in their cross sights.

It is with great sorrow comrades that I announce to you that I had to reinstate the constitution and hand over power to the leader of parliament just 3 weeks after seizing it. (Please give me 5 minutes, I want to go and cry! ).

(I have finished crying.)

(Only 3 weeks of unconsolidated power!… I need to weep)

(…Finally finished weeping after 3 hours)

I don’t know what this ECOWAS people will do. I am at a loss myself on what the future holds for me.

Your comments contributions and recommendations will be most welcomed.

Your brother in arms,

Captain Amadou Sanogo  Commander in Chief of the Armed Forces (3weeks) ICPC EFCC ICC

Disclaimer: The work featured above is a complete work of fiction done by my naughty muse who suddenly returned after many weeks of sabbatical. Any resemblance to anybody living or dead is an unfortunate coincidence. 

Join the discussion